Tuesday, August 21, 2012


a girl, so young,
is scared to tell.
she'll be so angry
she'll make my life hell
ten years she spent
searching alone
looking into faces
is she my little one?
is she happy? is she ok?
is she kind? is she loved?
has she been blessed
by the heavens above
finally, a reunion
how time has passed
she looks just like me
the birthmother said
i'll hold her close
phone calls each week
i'll bake her cookies
it should be a relief!
overwhelming my mind
is it shame? is it grief?
why can't i do this?
healed hearts, i seek.

the daughter pulls back
it must be my face?
my laugh or my weight?
if i do better, be better
she'll love me, oh wait!

i'm still very worthless
i'm not good enough
she thinks i'm disgusting
and not worth the time.
she left me again
she'll never be mine.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Self Hatred = Deep Hell = Worth LESS

when i was at my lowest, i was consumed by
self hatred and self abuse. satan loved that.

hurting all those around me

 hurting myself


testing everything and everyone that is close
to me.. trying hard to make them leave
because i am worthless.


i am no longer hurting myself
in many ways.. all those unexceptable
ways.  but i can still binge without
anyone knowing.  i'm not
in that deep dark place but
i am still worthless

i am almost intrigued by the link between
abandonment and abuse and my issues.  trying
to really understand it can leave me spinning.

i have often tried to find a percentage
of the abandoned/abused person
and homosexuality.

it has to be H i g H

half my life is over
my marriage has survived
my children have survived
i have survived

yet i still feel worthless

i can see many blessings
i do believe in the Lord
do i have worth to have the
things that i do?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

will i figure it out?

growing up i was always happy
on the outside. when i got married,
i kept right on pretending.
around age 40.. it all came down
on me, like rocks
yet releasing,
beginning something huge.

i often felt all the emotions mixed up
til i realized i had no idea how i felt.
everything was just grey and ugly.

i was full of self hate.
it often showed as ugly
self abuse. testing
those who loved me
to the limits.
testing myself.

was i?

i was given away at birth. unwanted.
i was fat, ugly.
i was dirty, worthless.. sexually abused.
again. and again.
i was manipulated over and over.
i hated myself and almost all of my choices.
i was worthless.
worth less.

i am wanted, needed, loved
and worthy.
i am a daughter, sister,
wife, mother, grandmother
and a daughter of God.

now to learn to love myself.
to become the stronger soul
that i know is inside me.
one day at a time.