I'm.Still.Very.Worthless

 

a girl, so young,

is scared to tell.

she'll be so angry

she'll make my life hell

 

ten years she spent

searching alone

looking into faces

is she my little one?

 

is she happy? is she ok?

is she kind? is she loved?

has she been blessed

by the heavens above

 

finally, a reunion

how time has passed

she looks just like me

the birthmother said

 

i'll hold her close

phone calls each week

i'll bake her cookies

it should be a relief!

 

overwhelming my mind

is it shame? is it grief?

why can't i do this?

healed hearts, i seek.

the daughter pulls back

it must be my face?

my laugh or my weight?

if i do better, be better

she'll love me, oh wait!

i'm still very worthless

i'm not good enough

she thinks i'm disgusting

and not worth the time.

she left me again

she'll never be mine.

Self Hatred = Deep Hell = Worth LESS

when i was at my lowest, i was consumed by

self hatred and self abuse. satan loved that.

hurting all those around me

 hurting myself

cutting

piercing

tobacco

liquor

weed

bingeing

purging

sex

testing everything and everyone that is close

to me.. trying hard to make them leave

because i am worthless.

 worthless

i am no longer hurting myself

in many ways.. all those unexceptable

ways.  but i can still binge without

anyone knowing.  i'm not

in that deep dark place but

i am still worthless

i am almost intrigued by the link between

abandonment and abuse and my issues.  trying

to really understand it can leave me spinning.

i have often tried to find a percentage

of the abandoned/abused person

and homosexuality.

it has to be H i g H

half my life is over

my marriage has survived

my children have survived

i have survived

yet i still feel worthless

i can see many blessings

i do believe in the Lord

do i have worth to have the

things that i do?

will i figure it out?

growing up i was always happy
on the outside. when i got married,
i kept right on pretending.
around age 40.. it all came down
on me, like rocks
smashing
yet releasing,
beginning something huge.

i often felt all the emotions mixed up
til i realized i had no idea how i felt.
everything was just grey and ugly.

i was full of self hate.
it often showed as ugly
self abuse. testing
those who loved me
to the limits.

testing myself.

was i?
pretty
wanted
ugly
straight
fat
lesbian
worthless
wanted
worthy

i was given away at birth. unwanted.
i was fat, ugly.
i was dirty, worthless.. sexually abused.
again. and again.
i was manipulated over and over.
i hated myself and almost all of my choices.
i was worthless.
worth less.

No.

i am wanted, needed, loved
and worthy.
i am a daughter, sister,

wife, mother, grandmother
and a daughter of God.

now to learn to love myself.
to become the stronger soul
that i know is inside me.
one day at a time.